Why We Matter

Why am I here? Or why do I matter? Why am I here is surely an esoteric question, with as many answers as there are perspectives to approach from. Then we might rule out the obvious reasons why I don't benefit society. Clearly, I am not here to be a surplus contributor to the economic growth of our GDP. Medicaid has provided me with incredibly expensive equipment, as well as the department of education canceling my enormous student loans to get through medical school because of my terminal illness disability. I can't work and the state pays for my ongoing medical expenses, housing at a home for people on ventilators staffed with nurses, and my food. I would argue that it is not the purpose of any of us to be merely a cog in the wheel of the capitalistic machine. How can we begin to quantify the value of a life?

Neither can I justify my existence on some grand productivity. Everything I do is slow. I'm like the horse wagon in the face of the steam train pulling in the industrial revolution. My mind might move at the speed of light, but my output is limited by my eyes and tablet interface. What was already a slow process of typing with my eyes has become even slower and laborious as I have developed problems with my eyes. Now I am not even on a horse, rather a mule. Further, there are many days that I am feverishly sick that I cannot muster the energy to do much of anything. Between these two factors I am only able to produce very little tangible work. Therefore, it is futile for me to base my worth on what I can do, what I can produce, or what I can make. Again, I am an exaggeration of universal truths. Everyone's value is not dependent on what we can do or produce, it's inherent in who we are, in our being.

I aspired to become an author, which I might still do, although the current reality of such slow typing makes writing something of that length hard to imagine. For now, it is reasonable to conclude that I will not benefit society by the books I will leave behind. What can I hope to physically give future generations? It would be something condensed with meaning and guidance, like a formula or in word form, namely poetry. Again, we are speculating why I matter to others based on what I can do or make, which we have already established equating our worth based on what we can produce is fictional, the falsified materialization of the soul and spirit. It's so tempting, who can resist? Of course, what we do is important and has value. If we over emphasize doing relative to being, then people with disabilities or chronic diseases that prevent us from doing much don't matter and are not of value. All people have implicit value and I hope my life clarifies this as a human being and not as a human do'er.

Who am I if why I matter is in my being? I'm in the process of experiencing that fully, but I can say that I am someone who has endured lifetimes of hardships. A few years ago I was an able-bodied individual. It is almost impossible to imagine what I have gone through because it is so far removed from our experience. The loss of identity, social status was paramount. Those are transient parts of our external validation and ego. To persevere the death of those opened new space in me for more authentic identification as a human spirit. This level of surrender through my life and disease process benefits us all. Much like the birthing process is one of the most extraneous painful experiences, it's also the creation of life. Through my enduring of such humbling and painful experiences, I too am birthing life into the world, life of consciousness, spiritual emergence in our materialistic consumer culture like weeds growing up through cracks in the concrete.

On a more practical level I am, or hope to be, an example of contentment with living. Being alive is the supreme miracle. To be able to experience life in the full spectrum of its natural ebb and flow is the greatest gift. I try to keep that in mind every day. It helps me feel grateful for my existence, simply to be alive. I was down to about 15% of normal breath capacity over two years ago due to weakness in my diaphragm. I would probably not be alive today without the tracheostomy and all the expensive equipment I need to survive. So I feel like my life is a present from the love in the world. There are obviously a lot of problems in our country, but my life is an example that our society has roots of compassion, I would not be alive otherwise. There is an interdependence and symbiosis of life, especially human life.

I've gone on quite a few hitchhiking trips in my day. One thing I enjoyed about hitchhiking is that it gives someone an opportunity to be kind, reminds us of our humanity. In a way my life has become one major hitchhiking adventure, floating on the kindness of others. It is not the adventure I dreamed about years ago, but it is the one I am in. I've come to accept it and surrender to what is. I'm at peace with what is, and I am not trying to fight against it, or let my mind desire and reach for changes to my circumstances. I'm not a victim of my circumstances. There is a path for all of us, our choice is how we walk it. I'm passionate about the growth possible, not in spite of my situation, but because of it. I matter to the world because if I can be content with my life, be at peace with what is, I am helping to change the tide of the black hole in the heart of our discontent society, sucking the light from life. Life is resilient. We who live with uncurable challenging diseases tap into that resiliency, breathing it into the world. With great hardship comes an equivalent potential for spiritual growth.

How would the world be affected by people being more content with their lives? What if we could appreciate the simple things in life; a sunset, the beauty of the changing seasons, a warm cup of tea with a friend, a meal with family, or a gentle breeze? That is what I offer the world, an appreciation with living and returning to the core of our purpose, spiritual growth. I have, now more than ever, the potential for growth and spiritual revelations, because my life has been whittled down to the most essential elements. We are all a sack of vibrating particles held together with quantum strings. My soul's evolution plays a tone that resonates out on everyone's soul strings. Call it the collective consciousness or whatever, the purification and presence I bring to the spirit of my situation and circumstances influences humanity, rippling throughout eternity. My value approaches infinity as I approach the promise land, the spiritual spring of inner knowing, I am here.